shaking things up

I thought I would try something different with my wife. I decided to treat her like a queen for awhile and see how she responds, Thinking this might be a good thing for me too. So I had a good supper cooked when she got home, told her to relax on loveseat while I set the table, even made her something to drink. When we were thru with the steak dinner with all the trimmings I told her to get let her food settle and watch some tv while I cleaned up the kitchen. I did. Later I made us some popcorn and brought her some. Next morning I got up and made breakfast and her drink and had it ready for her and also made her a lunch and a few small surprise treats to go with her. So that day I washed and put up all the dirty clothes, dusted, vacuumed the whole house, picked up and put away everything that was left out, changed the sheets on the bed, cleaned our bathroom all shiny. Then I cooked another good meal and did the same as before, let her rest on loveseat while I got everything ready and afterwards cleaned everything up. Later on I made her a bowl of ice cream she didn't know I went and bought and surprised her with it while she was watching her tv shows.
 I asked her how did she like being treated as a queen by me and me waiting on her hand and foot and she not having to do anything, all she had to do was let me know what she wanted and I did it with a smile on my face, she said it's nice but this isn't me. I'm not use to being pleased so much and don't think I can get use to it.
 How about that! I actually was having fun waiting on her and trying to please her in every way but she didn't like it. I don't understand things some time. I thought she would love it but she didn't. She said I didn't have to do them things, I said I know that, I want to! So I don't know the moral to the situation, maybe it's just that no matter how hard you try you can't please some people. Even if you wait on them like you were their slave. I don't regret doing all the things I did as I said it was different and kind of fun so I really didn't lose anything or cost me anything but my time and effort and I think it was worth a try to show someone you really do care for and want the best for them.
 Out of the ordinary every day life we all fall into, oh well, I tried with a good heart to shake things up a little.

not as dark

Yesterday was a dark day for me if you read my blog. I needed to say things with no one to say it to who would listen, so I blogged. Today is better. I confronted the person who I always believed everything they said and trusted, but found out they lied to me. It's ok now. They told me why they lied finally and I forgave them after I told them to just tell me the truth, don't lie as it never does any good to go there. Trust is a fragile thing and hard to earn back once you lose it.
 Do I still hurt?, yes some but I am a lot better than yesterday and that's a good thing.

alone again

It feels like I'm all alone again. Nobody really cares whether I am dead or alive it seems. No one calls but my brother about once a month. I send text, put up post , add comments make my own music videos and no response from anybody. In my own home when there is problems no one wants to talk about them with me and include me. That means you can say I love you, but you don't really do you? Otherwise you would care and let me know. Everybody says they don't want you for your money but yet that's the only time you hear from them is when they want more. They are happy when they don't have to work that day but I have to pay their debts when they don't. Like I never worked for what I have. They go out places but don't think twice about not paying their bills, so I have to. I am so sick of just being used. I am sick of nobody caring. I had someone who really cared about me and loved me once upon a time, but God in his infinite wisdom took that person out of this life and away from me.Now I am sick of not being loved. I miss that. The greatest feeling in the world to me is knowing I am loved and mean something to at least one person. Seems like that is gone forever from me now and I don't know what I did wrong.It is said when God shuts a door he always opens a window or another door. Bull ! Sometimes he shuts the door and leaves you in a dark room with no windows or doors, all alone , in the dark. Then he never talks to you no matter how much you beg and plead. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? I guess so cause I'm not. I just want one person in this whole world full of people to have just one of them really love me. I can love just about anyone very easily. I am wired that way. I fall in love with all different kinds of people, tall , short, skinny, fat, old , young, to me it's what is on the inside. Problem with that is I don't really know what is on the inside from the start like you can see the outside and I get hurt again, loving and not being loved in return.
 My brother called and asked if I was coming up to his home 500 miles away tomorrow. I said you know my wife just took a week off last week and we couldn't find anything to do so we just stayed home. He said well everyone is coming up for city feast here on the lake . I asked "who" Then he named off my sisters and their families and even some of their grown kids and families. I told him nobody has said a word to me . Nobody has invited me or he told me , if I knew we could have changed the week off to be there. He said he just heard also so I can't blame him. I assume my sisters and family don't really love me either and don't want me and my wife there with them. It's hard to take sometime. I thought I was a likable guy, I thought I was part of a loving family. I thought, that's what I get for thinking. Life sucks sometimes. Well the only thing I can say is if you don't want me around you then screw you too! I am not begging anyone to let me be around them. My own kids get together and go places together but leave me out and never invite me to go along. There must be a reason but maybe they won't tell me cause they don't want to "hurt my feelings" well surprise ! You hurt me by making it a family thing but leave me out on purpose. I guess you feel I am not your family anymore. Funny thing is I thought family was forever, there I go thinking again. I will have to get use to being a hermit till I die, alone. No skin off your nose cause you don't care anyway. Don't concern yourself with me and my problems as I know you have your own, one day not to far off you will be at my newly dug grave and maybe you will shed a tear for me and then walk away never to remember me again. I will be out of your life forever , maybe that's what everyone really wants anyway. I don't know how to or am scared to much to start life all over again. Maybe it's all my fault , Maybe I am doing something wrong with life but I really don't see it. All I see is no one loves me for me anymore. Am I the kid you tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog will play with him? I guess so. I wish I was strong enough to tell everyone to go f..k themselves and just leave me alone but what good would that do? I would still hurt on the inside. but part of me wishes I was strong enough to do just that and go start me a new "family and friends" . But I am not stong enough.