So ok, I get up as usual, spend morning getting Donna ready to go work, fix her a lunch and snacks, a drink, read a devotional for us, hold hands at the table and pray. I go with her to the garage and hug her goodbye and say, I don't have any energy today, I just feel blah, you know? Then as she starts backing out she stops and with tears in her eyes says, it's ok to be sad today. I ask "what"? I feel blah not sad, why should I feel sad? She says because of what day it is today. I think real quick, not garbage day, sad ? what day is it to make me sad? Then I say I don't have a clue what you are talking about. Then thru tears she answers" it's Rose's birthday" Boom! and the sledge hammer lands on my heart, oh my God, it's nov 5th, Rose's birthday and she isn't here. Her body lies 6 feet under ground. My heart still aches for her. She ,who for most of my life was always with me, always loved me in spite of my faults, Who I could light up her day by bringing her a simple blue colored slushy on my way home from work, My Rose, my Rosemary, no longer ever talks to me , God wont let her talk to me or let me see her one more time, She is gone from my life but I love her still. She is dead but not my love for her. It's hurts. My heart and chest and lump in my throat, tears in my eyes, still miss her and still love her.
I am blessed I cant remember dates, I lose track of what day in the week it is. I lose track of what date it is. I would prefer not to remember important dates of loved ones that are gone as I hurt so bad when I do and it doesn't do them any good. I can try and sing happy birthday to Rose what good does it do? I am not happy, She isn't here and I don't know how she is doing. I hope she is happy, but does she miss me as I miss her? Does she long for and cry for me as I do her? How can it be a happy birthday?
It's cloudy and overcast, I hope it rains so I can go outside and stand in it and cry and that way nobody sees my tears that I shed for me, yes me, because I miss her so.
