I just tried a experiment this past week with my wife. I noticed she doesn't tell me a lot of things going on in her life. this kinda upset me, as me and my late wife always told each other everything. this is the way I thought life went . since my new wife isn't, I tried this week and didn't tell her things, like I made apt at vets for our dog on Monday for Friday morning and didn't tell her , she knew Friday morning because I was up and dressed early and asked why, so I told her then, I also paid some bills using our joint acct, and didn't tell her. I also ordered a nightlight for our toilet that lights up the seat and got it under warranty, didn't tell. I also did some other things around the house and I usually tell her but didn't.
I conclude from this week that she really don't care about all the things I do or think. This is new to me. After being a certain way for over thirty years then doing the opposite is a hard change to accept. So maybe everyone doesn't really care. I have been wrong all these years. People , even family really only care about themselves. I haven't realized this. I guess that is why my feelings get hurt so much. Like when I don't hear from my kids or grandkids when things happen. they don't want anyone knowing , like its their business and no one else's. I always thought you shared . I was wrong.
For example I have a few people owing me money at this moment and guess what? they are making no attempt to pay me back like they all said they would. This isn't just one person, it's a few different people who I trusted. So I guess they don't care to tell me why. I would like to know what's going on that they cant keep their word , maybe they need my help in some way but now wont ask or even tell me.
So my world has gotten colder, less feeling. The warm feelings of family, friends, marriage, has all gone cold. No one really does care like I thought . I guess I will have to follow their lead and not care back, but it feels funny not to. I guess I could really die and no one would care after a few days at all. That is a cold hard fact to accept.
Just last night I had another dream of living where I raised my 3 kids, they were their in our home, young, wife of thirty years was there, all was warm and caring and interacting with each other like I remember family. when I awoke I realized I was alone in new house with only a dog. This is another change I have to accept and get use to even though I don't like it. Now I know why people give up on living , what's the point if you don't have anyone to share it with? What's the point if no one cares? Why win the lottery if you don't have anyone who really cares for you whether you live or die or how you are doing? what's the point of it all ?
Oh well, I will adjust to life and just do the best I can. it's a different ball game now and I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE NEW GAME . My problem is I am not a uncaring robot, I have asked for just one person in this whole world to be friends with me and so far I have no friends. If their is a God that cares about me why is he letting this happen? I don't understand.
