nice to have

Yes, it's nice to have someone who cares and really shows it rather than a "I Love you" lip service. I did a good deed last Friday and helped load a moving trailer for my sister in law. Well the big strong young guy had to work so it left me and a 45 year old little fellow to load including washer and dryer and couch that makes into bed among everything else she owned. We got it all done and felt ok . Later that evening I went to hug my daughter who was sitting and when I straightened up I had a sharp pain shoot up my right side back. Next day my lower back was killing me, so heat pad, laid around didn't do anything, and was by myself for that day and Sunday also. Sunday it hurt even worse.. Took pain pills I had stashed away, heat pad again. Monday the wife came home from a trip so I went to chiropractor for first time. Got home and after 200$ bill now I can't hardly move.
 My wife really came thru. After traveling for days, and I know she was beat, she cooked dinner for me, and later when I couldn't take off my pants cause I couldn't bend to reach them, she came and undressed me. Next morning she dressed me. As she was leaving for work she told me she would go out for lunch and don't do my usual morning things for her, she was fine, and not to worry about supper tonight we would figure something out.
 I am the guy who usually helps and does for others , I am the guy who likes to help and fix things. I can't fix or do for myself right now and it's a funny feeling to have the shoe on the other foot. It is super nice to have someone doing for and helping me during this time. This is love in action. This is love with feet and hands in motion not just saying it but doing it.  I can't rightly express how thankful I am. This is the kind of thing I do without thinking twice for others but when it is done for me it seems really funny/weird to have someone helping or doing for me.
  I am sorry I couldn't wash her car while she was gone but I simply couldn't move around without pain to do it. She understood.
 So today I am on pain pills, muscle rub and using heat for 30 minutes then cold pack 30 minutes and trying to move around a little. I hope I the pain eases soon.
                Today I am thankful I have someone who cares and does something about it as she can.

changing

I'm going to try real hard to change. Let me explain please. I finally made myself go to my grown kids, and at a great risk to what they might say, I told each one individually I missed them, I loved them and know it must be my fault so if they would just tell me outright what the problem is I would try my best to fix it. I never see them unless I go to them and never hear from them unless I contact them. I lost their momma and now I'm losing them and don't know why.  Here is what they told me.
 The first one said because its always about me. I said I don't understand please explain. So told me I always complain about missing their mom, or I always feel sorry for myself. they were sick of hearing it. They don't want to hear how bad I feel, only talk about current events, something good or just whatever.They still loved me but didn't want to hear about how I feel anymore. I thought sharing my feelings with my own kids that they would try and understand and help me to get better, but I was wrong, They think everybody should keep it to themselves and not share what is bothering them even with closet family. I guess that's why they haven't called or come by in about two years.
 I will try to keep it to myself now. I will try to keep things brighter and upbeat. I thought they would feel sorry for me and try to help but it only backfired on me. Funny thing is I like to hear what's bothering someone and I always try to help if I can. I guess I'm the only one who feels this way. Then they said they are busy with jobs and family of their own except for Friday nights when they meet to have a party. I said I understand about raising kids and working but I always drove 28 hours twice a year to be with my folks, they live about 20 minutes away and can't see me even once a year? I don't understand how you can say you love when you don't show it. But I miss them apparently more than they miss me and I will try very hard to never tell them any problems and always be happy around them if that is what it takes. I don't mean to be kissing their ass but I guess sometimes you do what you got to do. I think this is another reminder to me that people no matter who they are don't really care how you are doing. Not just them but other people I know. I have the problem not them. I apparently care more than everyone else, so from now on I will try not to care so deeply and be more light hearted. I am not sure how to achieve this change but I will give it the old collage try.

life ended but love didn't

So ok, I get up as usual, spend morning getting Donna ready to go work, fix her a lunch and snacks, a drink, read a devotional for us, hold hands at the table and pray. I go with her to the garage and hug her goodbye and say, I don't have any energy today, I just feel blah, you know? Then as she starts backing out she stops and with tears in her eyes says, it's ok to be sad today. I ask "what"? I feel blah not sad, why should I feel sad? She says because of what day it is today. I think real quick, not garbage day, sad ? what day is it to make me sad? Then I say I don't have a clue what you are talking about. Then thru tears she answers" it's Rose's birthday" Boom! and the sledge hammer lands on my heart, oh my God, it's nov 5th, Rose's birthday and she isn't here. Her body lies 6 feet under ground. My heart still aches for her. She ,who for most of my life was always with me, always loved me in spite of my faults, Who I could light up her day by bringing her a simple blue colored slushy on my way home from work, My Rose, my Rosemary, no longer ever talks to me , God wont let her talk to me or let me see her one more time, She is gone from my life but I love her still. She is dead but not my love for her. It's hurts. My heart and chest and lump in my throat, tears in my eyes, still miss her and still love her.
 I am blessed I cant remember dates, I lose track of what day in the week  it is. I lose track of what date  it is. I would prefer not to remember important dates of loved ones that are gone as I hurt so bad when I do and it doesn't do them any good. I can try and sing happy birthday to Rose what good does it do? I am not happy, She isn't here and I don't know how she is doing. I hope she is happy, but does she miss me as I miss her? Does she long for and cry for me as I do her?  How can it be a happy birthday?
 It's cloudy and overcast, I hope it rains so I can go outside and stand in it and cry and that way nobody sees my tears that I shed for me, yes me, because I miss her so.

humans aint

Some humans ain't human Some people ain't kind You open up their hearts And here's what you'll find A few frozen pizzas Some ice cubes with hair A broken Popsicle You don't want to go there

Some humans ain't human Though they walk like we do They live and they breathe Just to turn the old screw They screw you when you're sleeping They try to screw you blind.

You might go to church And sit down in a pew Those humans who ain't human Could be sittin' right next to you They talk about your family They talk about your clothes When they don't know their own ass From their own elbows

Jealousy and stupidity Don't equal harmony

Have you ever noticed When you're feeling really good There's always a pigeon That'll come shit on your hood Or you're feeling your freedom And the world's off your back Some hotshot from Texas

Starts his own war in Iraq Some humans ain't human Some people ain't kind They lie through their teeth With their head up their behind

happy life

 Hi, glad you stopped by, I want to be happy, how do you do that? I'm over 60 and still it eludes me from time to time. It seems like by now I would have figured out how to stay happy, but oh noooo Mr. Bill !, not me, so I keep trying. This morn was good , we had some extended family from out of town spend the night on their way to the beach. They have a 4 yr old boy, he is always smiling, always doing something, playing, smart, what a joy just to be around him. It really made my morning. I cooked waffles for everyone and nice hot coffee. Today is good. Someone to talk with if only for a short while. I like being happy, do you?

never mind

 My last post was when everything was closing in, the wife was acting like she didn't love me and was ready to leave me and I did all I could to make her happy and it all backfired on me. Why keep trying when all you do is screw up? That's why I don't visit my family more, when I do they act like I shouldn't be there, my grandkids either sit on couch and talk with their friends  or watch tv , like I was intruding by being there. I am never invited anyway. when I show up its like this so if I cant do anything right why do it anymore?
 If I cant do anything right with them or at my home, why try at all? see my point? I use to be somebody and mean something but now I am not to anybody. oh well I am to my dog. She loves me and sits in my lap when I am in my mancave in my recliner and she falls asleep. I miss people but guess I will take what I can get. The love of a dog.
  I do take some of these feelings and put them into my songs on facebook or youtube to bad no one that really counts to me even watches my heartfelt attempts. but I like doing them, maybe one day when I am dead they will watch them and be touched then. I can only hope.  Till then , I live one day at a time.

LONLEY

Yes, I'm lonely, I feel like nobody cares of weather I am dead or alive, nobody comes visits me in my old age, nobody writes me, calls me or text me. ( although I do to them and they don't respond) I might as well be dead and just a memory, seems like that is all I am to my own family. I wonder if they even think of me anymore. How can you support, give the best guidance you can to, love, care for , watch them grow into adult hood and have kids of their own and watch the grandkids grow and they also do like their parents and forget me. A memory, that is all I am. A living memory. I never get invites to go anywhere with them or their parties. If I done something I don't even know what I done to deserve this. Am I being punished because my best friend and wife of 32 years died ? God knows it is not my fault, even if somehow they blame or hold it against me for still living. I did everything I could to keep her alive and healthy and happy, God took her away in a instance, she was just a few feet away from me when she passed and I wasn't even allowed by God to say goodbye to her.  Why is he now punishing me by everyone acting like I am a horrible person to be avoided or I am dead already also? Or could it be when they see me they think of her and automatically miss her and hurt inside ? So they avoid me cause of their hurt, like I don't? Like I can do something about it? How can I possibly help ( and I always have) when they won't even talk or visit or message me? I have learned their are some things I can't control or fix no matter how hard I try, I can't change the past so why should I suffer for something I can't control?  I can't control them if they talk behind my back but not to my face either. I can't control if they love me . I can't control if they miss me. I can't control if their Momma or Maw Maw is dead. Now as the years roll by I have a harder time controlling my life day to day as I age. I make more mistakes, I forget more, and most of all them things I miss being loved.
 When I thought of suicide right after my late wife died, I did a lot of soul searching and came to the conclusion what I want out of whatever years I have left myself. Do you know what I want? New car? new house? cruise? see America? No ! The only thing I want, I enjoyed the most, is what I lost , the most thing I miss  in the whole wide world. I just want one thing out of life before I die, That is to be loved again. Yes The only thing I want is to be loved by someone. To matter, to just one person, is this to much to ask? This seems to be escaping me. No matter what I try to do to catch or achieve my goal, it eludes me. I feel nobody loves me anymore. I sit alone in my room , unloved and forgotten. After everything is said and done, most of my life is in the past, I sit feeling the gloom and doom of being unloved. What do I have to look forward to tomorrow? What might it bring? A call? A text? A visit? Someone to love me? Who am I to dare to hope for anything ? What gives me the right ? I am nothing. I have nothing to look forward to anymore. Nothing.
 It's a dark and overcast sky ,on a sleepy Sunday morning, feeling like a slow all day rain approaching ,Gloomy, as it should be, as it has been in my inner being for a long time now.

awake in the night

Well, it's 3 am and the dog besides my bed decides to bark like a crazy dog when a cable for my tv I had run temp through the house ( for a experiment ) fell down in the kitchen because the duct tape holding it to the wall turned loose. So 15 minutes later finds me in my boxers outside in the back yard with the dog who now needs to relieve herself but first has to hunt for the correct spot to do it at like a kid hunting for Easter eggs. It's 3 am and very foggy, street light has a halo glow around it, the blinking red light atop the tall antenna in the distance is not as bright and could be Rudolph's nose as he flies around. It is very warm and sticky even at this hour so I sit in the lawn chair to wait her out. Finally she is through and comes to me wanting to play, happy to see me like I have been gone on a trip and just returned home, I think, leave me alone you stupid dog who awoke me from my sleep, then as I think this I lean down to pet her as my heart melts for her ,for all she knows is Love for me , no matter it's the middle of the night and we are in the dark in the yard, she is just happy to be with me. So I pet and talk to her then we both return to our beds, I snuggle to my wife who is still asleep and the puppy dog lays down besides my side of the bed to return to sleep faster than I do. My wife asleep, my dog asleep, I lay awake wanting to sleep but random thoughts run through my head like sand through a hour glass keeping me awake. I lay for 1/2 hour then decide to get up and come upstairs to my personal retreat, my man cave. I check facebook, see where one of my granddaughters was awake a few hours ago but now most likely asleep in her bed while I am awake. She writes about a problem that I can relate to, mainly people taking her stuff, even if she buys it, marks it not to be used  but someone uses it anyway and doesn't replace it, so when you go to get it you can't find it and hunt frantically for it in vain till you realize some low life living in your house stole it from you. I can relate. I hate that, I have sabotaged items before so when the said person gets it, they get more than they bargained for. Do you know that you can put laxatives in all kinds of food and nobody knows till they take effect and they find themselves running trying to make it to the bathroom in time , in vain ? Poopie pants! wait there's more , they cant stay out of the bathroom! they must have caught a bug somewhere, while you try to hold a straight face till you get away from them so you can gut laugh.
 It's going on 4 am, it's dark & quite, I'm in my recliner, dog asleep in my lap. I kick back the recliner in the dark and drift off to sleep.

friends?

Hi again, I have immediate openings in my life for friends. Do you qualify? Well let's see, do you want a friend ? You got a friend in me. We can be friends to the end. I like friends. I offer you a friend to call and talk to anytime you care too, also as a bonus , you can even text me whenever you want. But wait ! there's more! You can even message me on facebook or even make a comment post on my blog! I know what you are thinking, oh this sounds to good to be true , what's it going to cost me? Absolutely nothing! nada, zero, this is totally free! I will always respond, I will never fail you. I offer free advice from my 62 1/2 years of living , making good choices and bad mistakes too! Which will you choose?  You can take my advice or not take it, the choice is up to you because you are the one living your life, not me , But I am proven in clinical studies to be better than talking to a wall or mirror. Give me a try and you can stop at any time you choose. What do you have to lose? Friends. I like having friends. Do you like friends? I promise to try very hard to be your own personal friend to the best of my ability. Why not start today? Now! Now is the time, now will never come again, in a moment it will be in our past. What will the next moment hold? What will happen? How will you respond?  Aww the suspense , can you hear the eerie music playing in the background of your mind?
  When the road looks rough ahead and you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed, just remember what your old pal said , you've got a friend in me. You've got troubles, well I've got 'em too.There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you, we stick together and we see it through. You've got a friend in me. Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am, bigger and stronger too ,Maybe,
But none of them will ever love you the way I do It's me and you and as the years go by our friendship will never die. You're gonna see It's our destiny. You've got a friend in me ! I care about you.

shaking things up

I thought I would try something different with my wife. I decided to treat her like a queen for awhile and see how she responds, Thinking this might be a good thing for me too. So I had a good supper cooked when she got home, told her to relax on loveseat while I set the table, even made her something to drink. When we were thru with the steak dinner with all the trimmings I told her to get let her food settle and watch some tv while I cleaned up the kitchen. I did. Later I made us some popcorn and brought her some. Next morning I got up and made breakfast and her drink and had it ready for her and also made her a lunch and a few small surprise treats to go with her. So that day I washed and put up all the dirty clothes, dusted, vacuumed the whole house, picked up and put away everything that was left out, changed the sheets on the bed, cleaned our bathroom all shiny. Then I cooked another good meal and did the same as before, let her rest on loveseat while I got everything ready and afterwards cleaned everything up. Later on I made her a bowl of ice cream she didn't know I went and bought and surprised her with it while she was watching her tv shows.
 I asked her how did she like being treated as a queen by me and me waiting on her hand and foot and she not having to do anything, all she had to do was let me know what she wanted and I did it with a smile on my face, she said it's nice but this isn't me. I'm not use to being pleased so much and don't think I can get use to it.
 How about that! I actually was having fun waiting on her and trying to please her in every way but she didn't like it. I don't understand things some time. I thought she would love it but she didn't. She said I didn't have to do them things, I said I know that, I want to! So I don't know the moral to the situation, maybe it's just that no matter how hard you try you can't please some people. Even if you wait on them like you were their slave. I don't regret doing all the things I did as I said it was different and kind of fun so I really didn't lose anything or cost me anything but my time and effort and I think it was worth a try to show someone you really do care for and want the best for them.
 Out of the ordinary every day life we all fall into, oh well, I tried with a good heart to shake things up a little.

not as dark

Yesterday was a dark day for me if you read my blog. I needed to say things with no one to say it to who would listen, so I blogged. Today is better. I confronted the person who I always believed everything they said and trusted, but found out they lied to me. It's ok now. They told me why they lied finally and I forgave them after I told them to just tell me the truth, don't lie as it never does any good to go there. Trust is a fragile thing and hard to earn back once you lose it.
 Do I still hurt?, yes some but I am a lot better than yesterday and that's a good thing.

alone again

It feels like I'm all alone again. Nobody really cares whether I am dead or alive it seems. No one calls but my brother about once a month. I send text, put up post , add comments make my own music videos and no response from anybody. In my own home when there is problems no one wants to talk about them with me and include me. That means you can say I love you, but you don't really do you? Otherwise you would care and let me know. Everybody says they don't want you for your money but yet that's the only time you hear from them is when they want more. They are happy when they don't have to work that day but I have to pay their debts when they don't. Like I never worked for what I have. They go out places but don't think twice about not paying their bills, so I have to. I am so sick of just being used. I am sick of nobody caring. I had someone who really cared about me and loved me once upon a time, but God in his infinite wisdom took that person out of this life and away from me.Now I am sick of not being loved. I miss that. The greatest feeling in the world to me is knowing I am loved and mean something to at least one person. Seems like that is gone forever from me now and I don't know what I did wrong.It is said when God shuts a door he always opens a window or another door. Bull ! Sometimes he shuts the door and leaves you in a dark room with no windows or doors, all alone , in the dark. Then he never talks to you no matter how much you beg and plead. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? I guess so cause I'm not. I just want one person in this whole world full of people to have just one of them really love me. I can love just about anyone very easily. I am wired that way. I fall in love with all different kinds of people, tall , short, skinny, fat, old , young, to me it's what is on the inside. Problem with that is I don't really know what is on the inside from the start like you can see the outside and I get hurt again, loving and not being loved in return.
 My brother called and asked if I was coming up to his home 500 miles away tomorrow. I said you know my wife just took a week off last week and we couldn't find anything to do so we just stayed home. He said well everyone is coming up for city feast here on the lake . I asked "who" Then he named off my sisters and their families and even some of their grown kids and families. I told him nobody has said a word to me . Nobody has invited me or he told me , if I knew we could have changed the week off to be there. He said he just heard also so I can't blame him. I assume my sisters and family don't really love me either and don't want me and my wife there with them. It's hard to take sometime. I thought I was a likable guy, I thought I was part of a loving family. I thought, that's what I get for thinking. Life sucks sometimes. Well the only thing I can say is if you don't want me around you then screw you too! I am not begging anyone to let me be around them. My own kids get together and go places together but leave me out and never invite me to go along. There must be a reason but maybe they won't tell me cause they don't want to "hurt my feelings" well surprise ! You hurt me by making it a family thing but leave me out on purpose. I guess you feel I am not your family anymore. Funny thing is I thought family was forever, there I go thinking again. I will have to get use to being a hermit till I die, alone. No skin off your nose cause you don't care anyway. Don't concern yourself with me and my problems as I know you have your own, one day not to far off you will be at my newly dug grave and maybe you will shed a tear for me and then walk away never to remember me again. I will be out of your life forever , maybe that's what everyone really wants anyway. I don't know how to or am scared to much to start life all over again. Maybe it's all my fault , Maybe I am doing something wrong with life but I really don't see it. All I see is no one loves me for me anymore. Am I the kid you tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog will play with him? I guess so. I wish I was strong enough to tell everyone to go f..k themselves and just leave me alone but what good would that do? I would still hurt on the inside. but part of me wishes I was strong enough to do just that and go start me a new "family and friends" . But I am not stong enough.

Questions

Friends and or loved ones, (or maybe instead of loved ones I should say family), make or let you feel like they  are really not that and just put up with you when they have to or it's convenient for them to. When you say something they take it and turn it around and use it against you. It hurts to try and be patient sometime. It hurts when they don't want to hear how you feel or think about something. I get to the point where I'm actually afraid to express myself fearing I will just kick a hornet's nest of reaction from them. I am a grown man and don't like the idea of someone censoring my views or opinions especially if it's in my own home. If we disagree , let's talk it out and try to understand each others view rather than trying to win a argument that it might turn into. Why is it always me that is wrong? Why am I always the bad guy? Why do people always find and point out your faults as they see them rather than remembering or recognizing the good you do or have done or that is inside you?
 Why can someone start in on you and then screw up your mood for the rest of the day and you just cant seem to shake it off or let it go? I don't think they mean to do it , so why do they? Does it make them feel superior to vent on you or tell you off?  Why are you suppose to give in and just let things go but they don't have to if it bothers them. Don't the street run both ways? Seems like I don't know anymore. If a tree falls in a forest and nobody hears it, is it still my fault?
 I would like to have someone who always has my back instead of putting knives in it. I guess that's why I have always loved my dog. Sometimes it feels like no one in the whole wide world loves me  till my dog crawls up in my lap  or cuddles between my legs and rests her head on me like being with me is the best thing ever. People could take lessons from dogs about love or being your friend.
 I really try to be there for people , why don't they seem to care ? Seems like I don't know anymore.

Music

Hello out there ,or in there as the case may be.
 I am writing again due to a response from someone I have known all their life and love and respect very much. They suggested I should  keep writing even if nobody reads this as it should help me to "vent" even if nobody knows I'm doing it. That way I'm not bothering anyone with my problems or "ramblings''. I think it's kinda like saying sometimes we all talk to much about what others really don't care to hear or someone is talking to you and you start day dreaming while they are talking and then realize you are and kinda go " oh they are talking to me and I missed what they said , I hope they don't ask me anything about what they said" in your head. You know you have done it too.  I have been doing this for another reason, that is to reach out to anyone in hopes someone still cares what I think or what is going on in my life or head. I see her point though. Now with that said, I know I have at least one person who reads these at sometime or another, so I am cheating and writing again for both reasons ! Is there going to be a test one day? If so I might have just failed admitting that! ha ha.
 I talked to my only brother ( in another state) and he didn't mention the song I wrote about him so I broke down and asked him if he heard it on youtube or my facebook  ( https://www.facebook.com/rob.schwartz.5 ) page, he then told me "well, it's not very flattering" he was upset and didn't like some of what I said in my song I wrote. So I told him, ' Man I love and think enough of you to write you a song , how many other people you know have done that?'  Everything is true in the song and a lot of people say so in the comments and enjoyed hearing it. So I say to myself, " wait and see if I write you another song" Boy ,some people! I know it shouldn't have hurt my feelings, but I really thought he would have gotten a kick out of it. I am not a professional and what I have learned in writing or composing or playing guitar  I have learned the hard way, just by by doing. But I do like writing and playing them and also sharing with people to see if I can reach a response inside someone.  One of my sisters gave me a great compliment by commenting " I have the soul of a poet". I almost cried reading that. One other time another sister  told me I touched her in a song about our Dad and she started crying listening to my song. That to me is about the best thing I could do with my attempts at music, to really touch someone somehow.
  So ok , maybe I still need approval from somebody every once in awhile and most people say I shouldn't need that. I guess that is a deep seated problem within me I haven't been able to get pass. I have tried but it's hard for me, to like ,ignore what others think about me. If you can, more power to you and I wish I was more like you, I really do, then it wouldn't hurt so much inside me.
  I have had a good pass few days, happy most of the time. I have hot coffee and tea, fresh watermelon and strawberries and someone thought enough to make me a peanut butter pie and bring to me "just cause". Life don't get much better than that.
                     Take care till next time  and  I appreciate you!

anybody out there?

I keep checking every once in a while to see if anybody reads, or even cares if I write, I guess not as no one leaves a comment And I don't see any visits. Oh well, I'm old , really think if I died no one but my dog and my wife who lives with me would even notice. Prove me wrong.

nobody cares, really! nobody.

Well like the title says, nobody cares, My last post was 11-29-14 and nobody has read my post since then, so there is no need to continue to deceive myself thinking that someone does care what I think. They don't or somebody would be reading them. I hate to say this but unless somebody proves me wrong this is my last post, goodbye it was fun when somebody was reading but I guess it's all over now' turn out the lights and go home, the party's over.