LONLEY

Yes, I'm lonely, I feel like nobody cares of weather I am dead or alive, nobody comes visits me in my old age, nobody writes me, calls me or text me. ( although I do to them and they don't respond) I might as well be dead and just a memory, seems like that is all I am to my own family. I wonder if they even think of me anymore. How can you support, give the best guidance you can to, love, care for , watch them grow into adult hood and have kids of their own and watch the grandkids grow and they also do like their parents and forget me. A memory, that is all I am. A living memory. I never get invites to go anywhere with them or their parties. If I done something I don't even know what I done to deserve this. Am I being punished because my best friend and wife of 32 years died ? God knows it is not my fault, even if somehow they blame or hold it against me for still living. I did everything I could to keep her alive and healthy and happy, God took her away in a instance, she was just a few feet away from me when she passed and I wasn't even allowed by God to say goodbye to her.  Why is he now punishing me by everyone acting like I am a horrible person to be avoided or I am dead already also? Or could it be when they see me they think of her and automatically miss her and hurt inside ? So they avoid me cause of their hurt, like I don't? Like I can do something about it? How can I possibly help ( and I always have) when they won't even talk or visit or message me? I have learned their are some things I can't control or fix no matter how hard I try, I can't change the past so why should I suffer for something I can't control?  I can't control them if they talk behind my back but not to my face either. I can't control if they love me . I can't control if they miss me. I can't control if their Momma or Maw Maw is dead. Now as the years roll by I have a harder time controlling my life day to day as I age. I make more mistakes, I forget more, and most of all them things I miss being loved.
 When I thought of suicide right after my late wife died, I did a lot of soul searching and came to the conclusion what I want out of whatever years I have left myself. Do you know what I want? New car? new house? cruise? see America? No ! The only thing I want, I enjoyed the most, is what I lost , the most thing I miss  in the whole wide world. I just want one thing out of life before I die, That is to be loved again. Yes The only thing I want is to be loved by someone. To matter, to just one person, is this to much to ask? This seems to be escaping me. No matter what I try to do to catch or achieve my goal, it eludes me. I feel nobody loves me anymore. I sit alone in my room , unloved and forgotten. After everything is said and done, most of my life is in the past, I sit feeling the gloom and doom of being unloved. What do I have to look forward to tomorrow? What might it bring? A call? A text? A visit? Someone to love me? Who am I to dare to hope for anything ? What gives me the right ? I am nothing. I have nothing to look forward to anymore. Nothing.
 It's a dark and overcast sky ,on a sleepy Sunday morning, feeling like a slow all day rain approaching ,Gloomy, as it should be, as it has been in my inner being for a long time now.