Good news

I received a call tonight from a long time family member that I never see anymore. He called to let me know one of his family and my late wife's brother had passed away from cancer on Halloween night. Then we got to talking about different things and he asked how are my kids? Well I don't know, they never call or come over and when I try to reach out to them through facebook posts or comments, they ignore me. when I call or text them they are very short with me and only my daughter just called to tell me about her uncle passing that you just mentioned. I tried to reach out to them , apologize for whatever I done but since their mom died they basically don't know if I am dead or alive. My wife told me if I do die she don't know if she will call and tell them because they don't call , they never check on me so why should she tell them if they don't care? He said he didn't understand at all. How could they be that way to me after all I did for them and their mom when they were growing up. He wished his dad would have been more like me , he said he was at a meeting the other day and they asked who is your role model? Who would you like to pattern your life like and he said my name. He told them I married a woman with 3 kids that couldn't give him any of his own and raised and provided for her and them as his very own. I saw they love in that family and I have always wanted to be more like him. I saw how he treated them and took care and loved them and was always good to me and did things with me when I was around him.
  I have never in my life been told anything like that. Most of the time I feel like nobody really cares about me and wouldn't miss me if I were dead and certainly doesn't want me around or call and talk. To hear that really made me feel good. I did do some good in my life after all. Somebody thinks I am a great person. Somebody wants to be more like me. I am set back thinking because I never treated him special. He was treated like I treat my kids or friends. Sometime you never know what others think weather it is good or bad I guess. Well it's nice to share some good news, very nice.

I hate.....

I hate it when you try to reconnect to people and have to apologize for life happening to both of you. I apologize anyway and tell them I will try harder to always be happy and in a good mood around them and not talk about anything going on in my life if that will bring us closer. Then I try to reach out to them thru media and they ignore me totally. Then I see them in person and they have a look on their face like they hate even looking at me. I guess life is all about them now. They wouldn't hardly even talk to me. Tell me they still don't like or care about me, I guess they only consider their feelings when someone hurts them but they could not care less about hurting others. Although I never really hurt them at all, they just grew tired of me.They whine about their life and problems on facebook never caring about others. It's always someone else's fault, never any of it is theirs. Well it hurt having them look thru me and act like I'm bothering them by saying hello and asking how they are doing. It hurts. I could tell they couldn't care less about me, even though I was their when they needed me. I can only hope that sometimes when they are driving around in their car that they remember who was there for them when they needed the money and don't have such bad thoughts of me.They stay away and act like they would be fine if I where dead. Or maybe it would be better to say they simply don't care one way or the other, but have more feelings toward a stray dog. I believe if they passed me on the street they wouldn't have even spoke. I hate it and I don't know what else to do. I guess in a way I care to much about others than what is good for me.

lost a daughter

My oldest daughter, Cindi was killed in a tractor trailer wreck on 5-11-2016. she was 44 . she was really my step daughter but I hate using the term "step" I consider all my kids, mine. She was the first one in my new family to stop calling me by my name and started calling me Papa" . I cant tell you what a hurt and empty feeling it is for me and my wife. now just this pass week we loss my daughter inlaw Le Ann. She is buried now at the same place my wife Rose of over thirty two years , and Cindi, and where I am to be , and my current wife is to be buried. It really makes you think deep, how to reconnect to love ones that are still here without bugging them. Some of my family has made it plain to me they really don't care to share their life with me and don't want me sharing mine with them. So I don't know how to handle this as I really love them and miss seeing them, but can't go see them as they get mad when I show up. I guess I am worse a person than I thought I was. I will try praying and see if God cares enough to fix .

life is going good ?

I hate when life is going good and then someone comes along and pisses in your corn flakes by telling you everything you have done wrong. Are they that perfect that they don't make mistakes? It's ok to them if they jump on your ass when all you are trying to do is talk with them and show them you care and are trying to stay in contact and express your opinion or tell them something you thought they would like to know.
  What do I do ? I apologize to them and not get mad back and attack them back. Then when the conversation ends I  feel myself going into depression and can't seem to stop it. I don't like feeling down and like I can't do anything right. I try to be a good guy, I really do, seems like I am never good enough for anyone. I hate myself sometimes, I hate the way I let people, even family, hurt my feelings so deeply. Does anyone even really like me? or do they just put up with me? Why try again if all I do is mess up?

I give up.

All of y'all have always been my family. I'm sorry y'all consider me no longer your family and I am treated as a outcast . It hurts deeply to hear from all of y'all that you love me but don't want to hear what I'm going thru or how I am doing or anything about me or my life. I sincerely hope that none of y'all ever go through what I have been through and that none of y'all ever have depression. I never want anyone of y'all to know the hurt and tears you shed  because everyone of your family has been getting together behind your back and talking about you and  agreeing to  leave you to your problems and not one of you trying to help the one who needs help even when you ask for it. You all say the same exact same thing so I know y'all got together and compared notes and agreed it is all my fault. If you truly love someone, you don't leave them when they are hurting. you don't leave them when they are hurting so bad they are thinking more than once of taking their own life to get out of the pain you feel and that no one cares a shit about you and really doesn't even want to see or talk to you. That everything is your fault and  I really do hope none of y'all ever lose your family like I have done even though I tried to apologize for doing something I didn't even realize that no one wanted to hear because they didn't really give a shit about you and won't miss you if you do commit suicide.
 It's easy to say "I love you", actions prove otherwise. You don't kick someone in the teeth when they are already down. Not if you care about them. Seems Edward sr. would have at least taught some of you that knew him, that.
   I apologized and said I would try to do better when I'm around you. I don't know any way to make you love me. I accept all of y'all with all your faults, I have never told anyone of y'all things like y'all did to me. I have always tried to help when ever anyone asked me.  I am sorry none of y'all would come and sit down and talk with me and try to help repair the damage or at least forgive me but none of y'all are even trying. Maybe it makes you feel better to think you are better than someone, I guess in a way  I am as dead as Rose is in a way and that is the way you want it. I am glad y'all have each other and wish I was part of that. I guess I am just someone you use to know. The part that hurts the most is I really believed all of y'all really loved and cared for me.Now I know different and that really hurts.
    I give up.

fun time

My only brother stayed down about 5 full days 6 nights. It was great having him down. My sister from a nearby town came over and my brother and I played guitars and we all sang and told old stories on each other. My brother and I even did a short funny video and put it on my facebook page. We then recorded a few more but I haven't posted them . We went over to my sister's house the next night and they cooked out and again we played and sang songs and generally had a good time being together.Then two nights later we all met at a local catfish house restaurant and had a great meal together. I was a little worried how my wife would do with him being here and drinking alcohol and smoking but she was great the whole time. I hated to see him leave last Thursday morn but it was time. I think he was ready to get home and I was ready ready to get back to my routine.

 I didn't try to contact my 3 kids but once , and when I couldn't get a answer from them I figured I wouldn't bother them as they seem to not want to see me or stay in contact with me anymore I hate to say. So I thought I better leave them alone to keep from making things worse. I did finally get in contact with Jr. and he was cool with it and even said he was sorry he missed him being down. We had quite a long talk together and it was like old times being Daddy again.

 Me and my wife are getting along great here lately as it is just us two living here for about 3 months, and tensions are gone , we talk and laugh and share our feelings pretty good. We have even picked up our love life and to me that is great thing ! It's so nice to be at ease and relaxed someone. No pressure. well, I guess that's about all for now. ~ Take care.

visitor

My brother is down to visit with me . It is the first time in my life he has come down mainly to see me and even stay in my house for the trip. We are having so much fun, it's great. We have been catching up, talking funny stuff, telling each other secrets, telling helpful things to each other. We have been playing guitars and singing, man this is so cool.  We are both retired so we do whatever we want all day and no need to hurry. He has been here 5 days now . It's nice to have someone who really cares about you and wants to spend time with you.

Good news

Hi, I have been doing pretty good the last couple weeks, Hurt my back and right shoulder about 2 months ago but back is about to normal now , Yaa! . right arm hurts at shoulder but will get better. Life is going pretty good, For the pass 2 months or more it's just been me and the wife living in our home, that's not only a good thing, it's a great thing ! Life is a lot more enjoyable without someone else living and sponging off you and Donna stays in a better mood too. I like it very much when you wake up and have no hollering or drama going on. I also like when I have to put my dog outside at 2;30 at night I don't have to worry about getting dressed in case someone else sees me.
 It actually feels good to clean up the home real good sometime, makes me proud to know it is clean even though it is work to get it there and nobody visits us to see it.
  Donna has been on Atkins diet for about a month or more, and I have been supporting her by cooking all meals with that diet in mind, buying stuff regardless of price if it helps her to lose weight but last night she told me she can't take it any more and not losing weight, so she signed up for weight watchers. oh well. I hate that I see her try so hard and not lose weight, I wish I could do it for her.
 My only brother will come down sometime and spend a few days with me in the not to distance future, that should be fun. Life is going pretty good, I haven't been depressed, even though I went to my late wife's grave on her Birthday and took her new flowers. She liked them.

I ve been wrong

I just tried a experiment this past week with my wife. I noticed she doesn't tell me a lot of things going on in her life. this kinda upset me, as me and my late wife always told each other everything. this is the way I thought life went . since my new wife isn't, I tried this week and didn't tell her things, like I made apt at vets for our dog on Monday for Friday morning and didn't tell her , she knew Friday morning because I was up and dressed early and asked why, so I told her then, I also paid some bills using our joint acct, and didn't tell her. I also ordered a nightlight for our toilet that lights up the seat and got it under warranty, didn't tell. I also did some other things around the house and I usually tell her but didn't.
 I conclude from this week that she really don't care about all the things I do or think. This is new to me. After being a certain way for over thirty years then doing the opposite is a hard change to accept.  So maybe everyone doesn't really care. I have been wrong all these years. People , even family really only care about themselves. I haven't realized this. I guess that is why my feelings get hurt so much. Like when I don't hear from my kids or grandkids when things happen. they don't want anyone knowing , like its their business and no one else's. I always thought you shared . I was wrong.
 For example I have a few people owing me money at this moment and guess what? they are making no attempt to pay me back like they all said they would. This isn't just one person, it's a few different people who I trusted. So I guess they don't care to tell me why. I would like to know what's going on that they cant keep their word , maybe they need my help in some way but now wont ask or even tell me.
 So my world has gotten colder, less feeling. The warm feelings of family, friends, marriage, has all gone cold. No one really does care like I thought . I guess I will have to follow their lead and not care back, but it feels funny not to. I guess I could really die and no one would care after a few days at all. That is a cold hard fact to accept.
 Just last night I had another dream of living where I raised my 3 kids, they were their in our home, young, wife of thirty years was there, all was warm and caring and interacting with each other like I remember family. when I awoke I realized I was alone in new house with only a dog. This is another change I have to accept and get use to even though I don't like it. Now I know why people give up on living , what's the point if you don't have anyone to share it with? What's the point if no one cares? Why win the lottery if you don't have anyone who really cares for you whether you live or die or how you are doing? what's the point of it all ?
  Oh well, I will adjust to life and just do the best I can. it's a different ball game now and I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE NEW GAME . My problem is I am not a uncaring robot, I have asked for just one person in this whole world to be friends with me and so far I have no friends. If their is a God that cares about me why is he letting this happen? I don't understand.